The Freedom to Love
I’ve Never Shared This Publicly Before
Do you have wounds from the past that you just can’t seem to get over, no matter how hard you try? Do they stop you from having the love you most want? Or are you even aware of them? Do you know how they are playing out in your life right now?
To support you to see them and shift them - I’ll share how that showed up and played out in my life and the impact it had.
And, this is how healing begins.
My Story
I was 32, pregnant, year one into my second marriage, sitting in a counselor's office, pouring out my childhood history, as we tend to do in traditional therapy. There was a pause, the therapist looked up from his notes and said, “You do know that is sexual abuse, don’t you?”
I didn’t.
You might say I was even shocked to hear it defined that way. What I had just told him, although traumatic for me at the time, certainly didn’t fit my definition of sexual abuse. But as he began to explain it to me, a whole lot of things made more sense; my lack of boundaries, people pleasing, giving in to sexual encounters I didn’t want. I could see turns I had made in my life that created self doubt, shame, guilt, self judgment. It became clear how I fell into people pleasing and why taking care of myself felt indulgent and selfish.
I’d love to say that “a-ha” moment created an instant, radical change in my life, but then, as I’ve shared, that 20 year marriage ended in divorce. Those things had unconsciously defined who I thought I was and how I thought I was “supposed” to show up in love and life.
It took some practice to shift them.
And this is where we often get caught in a trap of not doing the things we believe we “should'' or want to do - instead, we continue in a pattern that we determine is a result of our weakness and inability - aka, what we call self sabotage.
This thought is destructive conditioning, and it piles on more shame, judgment and stronger belief that we can’t get out.
False Beliefs that Led to My Divorce
And that thought, my love, is total BS… read on…
I married my husband in my wounding. Meaning, I had no clue about any of the following at the time we married. When I look back, it was “good enough” that he wanted me. He was successful, handsome, and every girl I knew wanted him - and he chose me.
That had to mean I was special, right?
The Truth That Will Support You to Find and Have Love
I am special. You are special. Not because someone wants us, just because we are
Accepting that another cannot heal you, convince you that you are worthy of love, “complete” you.. Is the first step.
Yes, complimentary energy is what we seek. In Human Design it thoroughly explains why this happens.
When we are aware and understand this dynamic, all can flow beautifully. We can complement one another and create something beautiful together.
If we are unaware however, we tend to project onto the other person what we need. Which, the other person may not be equipped to fulfill. That is when we spiral into disappointment, anger, blame, resentment and hopelessness. But we can come out of that.
Bottom line - when we see, accept and heal our wounding, our relationships have the potential to heal as well. That was not the case in my marriage.
What Went Wrong that You Do Not Want to Emulate
Changing “me” meant changing the person he married. Not being a pleaser, having boundaries was not what he had signed up for.
It is a challenge to become aware of patterns we have been operating in UNCONSCIOUSLY all of our lives.
When that challenge is multiplied by creating conflict in your most intimate relationship - shit really hits the fan.
I asked my ex-husband sometime after the divorce what he thought went wrong.
“I thought you could love me enough.”
Believing Another Human Being is More Powerful Than We Are and Can, and Should Heal All of Our Past Wounding - Doesn’t Work
Big red flag when we, or our partner believes we can love them enough, or be loved by them enough to love ourselves.
The benefit of learning this was the gift of self awareness. The ability to have - self compassion. Not from a victim experience, from a place of empowerment.
The Most Valuable Lesson I Could Ever Share With You
You are a Miracle darling one…. You are worthy of love… you are perfectly created for the things you get to bring to the world.
You cannot love someone else more than you love yourself. Validation, approval and love outside of yourself, you forever disappoint you and leave you feeling lost and hollow - until, and unless you can love yourself.
You Get to BE Passionately, Intimately, Deeply Loved… and you don’t have to “do” anything to have it.. .just be you..
What do you want to feel, lovely one?
Knowing your beauty, wonder, gifts, strengths, and even the shadow side of yourself is Freedom.
You can’t change what you don’t know. You don’t need to tell another living soul what you discover about yourself. To move past it, it just gets to come out of the dark, for you; for you to release the anger, shame, or fear.
TIPS AS NOTED ABOVE:
Notice your patterns in communication with your partner? Are they easy or difficult?
What do you feel when you share with him?
A. Heard
B. Supported
C. Anxious
D. Guarded
If you are not in a relationship now - think back to a time when you were. Apply the same questions.
Pain in life is inevitable. Suffering, however, is optional. Seeing you, in all your wonder, is a shortcut to avoid suffering.
I created a program, UnButtoned, to do just that. It’s a year-long program. Many, many, many experts tell me that is too long, no one will commit to it.
But is it? How many years have you spent in pain, frustration, disappointment, anger, hopelessness?
If you knew in one year that those longings in your heart could be met, what would that feel like?
Your past does not determine your future - you do.
