Wanting What You Want
Martha Beck wrote one of the most profound blogs several years ago about what happens when we get what we truly believe we want – and don’t feel what we want to feel?
She is a master at seeing what drives us unconsciously and redefining its complications to make it easy to digest.
This is what that looks like in love.
You just want a “good” guy that sees you, and thinks you are the greatest thing to hit the world since sliced bread.
And poof, let’s say he shows up. What happens? Do you just fall into his arms and sing “At Last” (click here to listen)
Hopefully, yes, chapter closed. You are set to go! Congrats!
In my 20 + years of personal experience, and 7.5. years of doing this work professionally, it rarely plays out that simply.
Like one of the amazing women I work with. She fought through hell to see, and then break free from a harmful marriage. She recreated a beautiful life, found herself again. It was hard and messy, but she didn’t give up. But now when things seem easier, calmer, and she’s met a “good” guy, she doesn’t feel what she thought she would feel.
That’s the work of awareness.
Sometimes what we thought we wanted doesn’t make us feel the way we imagined we would feel.
So, what’s that all about?
Short answer – we get to do a bit of excavation, like an archeologist following clues to get to the treasure.
If you know anything about archeology, like life, it is a journey of seeking, finding, not finding, readjusting and seeking again –
with passion, patience and a deep belief of it being worth the effort.
That is where many of us stop – worthiness.
I believe our greatest hinderance in love, that thing that leads us to accept mediocre relationships or a life we just tolerate, is a deeply held fear that we aren’t worthy of our dreams.
In my observation, we put on a brave front. We pretend. We study, work, give to the point of exhaustion and then conclude that our best just isn’t good enough; or that it is too much, or both.
And that is just BS.
We deny our feelings in favor of action and reason. I believe that is our undoing.
We like to believe we are consciously driven creatures who just happen to fall prey to states of emotion, i.e. women. We want to do anything a man can do. Great. And how does that work out for us in love?
My clients are all intelligent, accomplished, extraordinary women. Most of whom have completely denied themselves, unconsciously, by taking on all the feminine work roles at home, in an effort to compensate for the masculine roles they play at work. Ugh, double edged sword.
We are women competing in a masculinely driven world. And we’ve given away our greatest gift for finding and receiving love – our emotions.
I am not suggesting that emotions are gender biased. And yet, I do believe as women we have a slight upper hand. When we understand how our emotions work
SIDEBAR NOTE PLEASE
I have the deepest respect, gratitude and reverence for the women who fought for the equality we enjoy today. From my perspective, that fight was never about equality, it was about ending abuse and oppression. Anger was needed to fuel the battle. The battle will never be over. I just feel it is time for us to put aside the armor in favor of our strength.
WHY OUR EMOTIONS ARE SO IMPORTANT
OUR EMOTIONS MAKE US HUMAN, GIVE US INSIGHT.. MAKE US WOMEN. AND THEY GUIDE US IF WE LEARN TO LISTEN TO THEM.
Somewhere in the struggle our power as women, feminine, soft, sensuous, weak even, become taboo. We are still angry. Understandable, and while anger is a power emotion, is it taking you where you want to go?
If not, consider that the work isn’t for you to get a lover or partner to see you, in my opinion, it is for you to see you; and own it and feel empowered enough to live it; regardless of the cost.
SUMMARY
1. HOW DO WE LIVE IN OUR FEMININITY WITHOUT BECOMING DISEMPOWERED?
We go to those places we fear – our emotions. We play in them. We peek into the shadows. We boldly declare what our wild, feminine heart wants. We embrace ALL of who we are, without defensiveness or apology. When we become authentic, we create an opening for intimacy. We are no longer competing or caretaking. We aren’t powered by anger. We are just empowered. This allows our partners to be themselves too.
2. THE WORK
As the old joke goes – a stranger walking down the road stops a kind man he passes to ask for the shortest path to the nearest town. The kind man tries to explain how to get there, but the stranger is impatient, gruff and demands to know the shortest path.
Finally, the kind man gives up and tells the stranger to keep walking straight ahead and he’ll be there in no time. The town was in a valley. The stranger’s impatience to “arrive” was driving his resistance to listening or accepting the truth. The shortest path meant walking off the side of the mountain and dropping straight down into the town.
As the stranger left, without saying thank you, the kind man called out, “But watch that first step, it’s a doozy.”
That is often how it feels in this work. You walk along and it seems to be going well, but you want to “get there” now. It’s the same for all of us.
I am not embarrassed to say that had I known in 2008 when I convinced myself that I had done the work and it was my ex husband that needed to change – all of which led to my divorce – that this would have been my journey around the mountain for 14 years, I might have taken the “short path.”
AND… I can also tell you – that even six months into this work, I wouldn’t have gone back if it meant 44 years of going around the mountain.
What’s on this side, even in the dark days, is 100 times better than the brightest day on the other side.
Sooo… how do you “take the first step” – not the doozy one… LOL
3. THE REWARD
You are invited to a Free, Five Day Challenge kicking off November 8. UNBUTTON YOUR INHIBITIONS.
We are going to look at the biggest driving emotion that stops us from being us – Fear. I’m going to share it with you in a whole new way.
Stayed tuned for details!!
IN CLOSING:
Listen to what your emotions are trying to tell you.
Confusion is a mask for Fear
Ask Fear what actions you should take.
Resentment is a mask for Anger.
Ask Anger what’s not right.
Ask Sadness what you need to let go of or bring back to life.