This Valentine’s Day, I’m Choosing Me

February kicks off energetically with Gate 19 - The Gate of Approach, representing “inclusion.” It sounds lovely, but when we’re unaware and out of alignment with our highest selves, the shadow side of this energy creates neediness and fear. (Perfect for Valentine’s Day shopping, wouldn’t you agree?)

Let’s cut to the chase:

We are designed, driven, and created for connection and inclusion. So, with all the information out there and the beauty of who we are, why do we so often end up with the opposite of what we desire? Red and pink hearts aren’t cutting it.

Have you scrolled your Facebook feed lately? It’s all there in technicolor - everything we could be, should be, and need to be to attract, maintain, and live in blissful love. Shop away.

We’ve been trained to use our looks, bodies, and “mystique” to be alluring and desirable. Age is our enemy. Decline is our nemesis. It’s as if we have nothing to offer by the time we’re wise enough to understand we’re worthy of everything we long for.

So, we start paying more attention to how others react to us. The trap? It leads to overanalyzing, overthinking, and overinvesting in the validation, connection, and love we crave.

The Result:

We step out of who we are and what we do naturally - relating in the way only we can - to become someone or something else we imagine is “better.”

I see it all the time. I’ve done it. My friends and sisters have done it. My mom gave up on true love because of it. Even my sainted stepmother fell into the trap. And despite all the rhetoric about authenticity and empowerment, we still miss the essential truth:

We cry to be loved for who we are, but we’re constantly trying to be someone else.

We sell ourselves out to prove we’re irreplaceable, oblivious to the truth:

WE ARE IRREPLACEABLE. WE ARE WORTHY.

The Double-Edged Gift:

Our softness is a gift. That we care is a gift. That we’re natural conduits for connection is a gift. I wouldn’t trade my natural empathy for all the money or success in the world.

But like any gift taken to the extreme, it becomes the source of our heartbreak and the root of massive breakdowns in connection.

I’ve experienced some of the most thrilling romances - no joke, I could tell you stories that sound like a Nicholas Sparks movie. At least, that’s how they began.

Like the man who pursued me heavily from day one. We dated for less than six months, and one night, as he stared longingly at me and said “I love you” over and over, I smiled, put my finger to his lips, and whispered, “I know.”

But that “knowing”? Not real.

Five years later, he was just as in love… with someone else.

Or the man who found me through my mom’s real estate badge after seeing me in an antique store. He called me for three weeks before I agreed to a date, blew off his own party to celebrate making partner at a law firm, and sent me a dozen purple roses on Valentine’s Day.

Sounds perfect, right?

Except he was in England reconnecting with an old girlfriend.

I could go on, but the thing is… I’m not bitter - now.

The Hard Truth:

Until we unravel what we’re unconsciously attracted to - and attracting - we’ll keep writing the same story.

Trust me, I found a man 4,500 miles away, raised in another country and culture, speaking a different language… and he could be my ex’s twin brother from another mother.

What changed? Me understanding that.

What shifted? My awareness of my patterns and my willingness to do the work.

It’s not easy. Some days it’s two steps forward, one step back. But growth isn’t one and done.

Compassion and Change

Ladies, if this sounds familiar, first, have some compassion for yourself.

We’ve been conditioned since childhood to pour our dreams, our longing to heal the past, and all our energy into some version of Prince Charming.

But here’s the great news: the past doesn’t dictate your future.

Like one client who came to me desperate to save her marriage. It took a couple of months for her to see that while she was financially and physically supporting the entire family - including his kids - he was manipulating her into thinking their marriage was failing because she “no longer made him feel special.”

This was a painful realization for an incredibly accomplished, intelligent, beautiful woman. But today, she’s emotionally aware and no longer entering relationships that don’t light her up.

Oh, and how we enter intimate relationships? It’s the same pattern we bring into all relationships.

The Solution:

This is the perfect month to change the tune. Gate 13 - The Listener - is asking us to reflect, just before Gate 49 Revolution and Gate 30 Desires stir things up.

Everything we do is to feel a certain way. But wherever we go, there we are.

Until we know who we are and have the grace and courage to be Her, we slip into unhealthy patterns that lead to a love triangle of rescuer, persecutor, and victim.

I’ve created a jumpstart program - U R Rewritten - to help women see these patterns, break free, and step into the love they deserve.

We’re in a mid-period now, but the next Bootcamp kicks off April 1st. I don’t want you to miss it.

Click here to join the waiting list or learn more.

With so much love… eff the chocolates.

Choose YOU.

I can show you how.