Do You Have Intimacy Burnout?
Hello Lovely!
Happy March! On March the 20th, those of us in the northern hemisphere celebrate the Spring Equinox. Say what? Yep. Some of us know it better as the first day of spring.
Now, you might be wondering what in the world that has to do with intimacy burnout and I’m glad you asked.
We’ve just come out of a month commercialized as the month of love. We are bombarded with images, enticements and admonitions of what our love life should look like. Whether we profess to believe all the “goo” about Valentine’s Day, or not, there is a place, ok, maybe a tiny one, but still, a niggling little question that asks, “Will I ever be loved like Gena Rowland was in the Notebook?” Come on, you know it’s true.
And then, wham, along comes spring. The days start becoming longer and warmer. We shed our wooly sweaters for sleeveless white and our boots for sandals. And it feels good.
The wonder and liberation of Spring has always made it my favorite time of year. It’s about renewal and rebirth after all.
But, what if you are just tired of trying to renew your relationship, or find one that feels like it is worth the effort?
I mean, not to be cynical or anything, but spring is when the greening of trees and fragrance of flowers calls nature out of hibernation - just in time to mate and start all over again. And who carries most of that weight; after the courtship and mating, who’s stuck in the nest with hungry mouths to feed and enemies to fight off?
Yep. We are. And just like in nature, women, blessed with the gift of bringing forth life, we also carry what may feel like an unfair responsibility to ensure the continuation of our relationships as well.
We are the heart, the connection and it’s where the phrase, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” took roots.
But Momma gets tired too. Momma usually works these days and then Momma comes home and cooks and cleans and goes to PTA meetings, takes the dog to the vet, makes sure birthday gifts are procured, laundry gets done and the refrigerator doesn’t grow alien life forms from moldy cheese.
“Momma” has a lot on her plate and Momma is exhausted most of the time.
This is not to say Daddy isn’t a great guy. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t.
The challenge is that when women are stressed out and subject to a constant state of stress hormones, we shut down. We may even hibernate in our own way, behind “things” that we imagine will make us feel better. And it usually isn’t the first thing men want when they are stressed, if you know what I mean.
Intimacy becomes more of a chore, than a gift. Often, we just want a nap, someone to hold us, tell us it’s going to be okay and keep the lights on.
In Human Design there is actually an “Intimacy” Gate, Gate 59. I have that gate in my design. It was such a great relief to me to finally understand why I have a tendency to overshare personal information. I have always called myself an open book. Sometimes I can be too open for other people. I invite intimacy. It’s a big part of who I am and why I do the work I do. So discovering through Human Design that I have a natural leaning toward intimacy, I often wondered why it felt like so much work at times in my “intimate” relationships.
Now, I’m not just referring to sex here. I am talking about what we, as women need, to want to have sex. I’m talking about the sharing, communication, affection or the time alone we need to desire sex.
And this is what I’ve discovered about intimacy. We burn out! Just like when we overwork, overcommit and over do anything, when we feel unloved, unsupported, unheard we have intimacy burnout. We shut down.
Whether you have Gate 59, and over share like I do, or are an Ice Queen - I am willing to bet that you carry more than 50% of the intimacy in your relationship and that is what leads to burnout.
When we are pouring more into “it” than us, we begin to:
Detached from our partner
Become cynical about our partner or relationship
Collect evidence that the relationship isn’t “right” or he isn’t “right”
Experience emotional exhaustion
Feel drained of a desire to do even the things we used to enjoy doing
If your relationship feels like more stress than support, what do you imagine you are thinking about all day long?
Here’s the thing, relationships are work. Whether it be a friend, child or parent they take work. Intimate relationships are no different. But what happens when you’ve worked yourself into a frazzled corner and you have the long term relationship, the kids, the car, the house, the job and nothing feels like you want it to?
There is a solution. Making your way back to YOU.
The way back is to make time for you and fill your own cup first.
Here are a few suggestions:
Spend some quiet time each day journaling your thoughts
A. My personal suggestion is to do it first thing in the morning, writing it out long hand. And yes, before you roll your eyes and think it is just one more thing to do - consider what one thing you could let go of that is adding stress and replace it with this practice.
Find something or someone that makes you belly laugh or lose track of time.
A. And don’t even think of apologizing for indulging a few precious moments in this practice.
Consider the boundaries you have in place, right now, with those you love. Are they working to support you? If not, what is it you need? Get super clear and super feisty and create them A.S.A.P.
A. Don’t have boundaries - girl, make it happen!
Consider telling someone “no” and indulge in a nap, an earlier bedtime or an evening doing nothing.
Look in the mirror and thank you, for being you, for showing up for all the people in your life and for being the miraculous wonder you are.
If none of these things sound familiar to you, let me invite you to join us in the Unbutton Membership Program, because, as all the women I work with will tell you - you are the single most important person in your life and if you are not taking care of you, who will?
With love and Bisous!
Kim
PS - And above all - don’t feel the need to share or give to those who have not earned the beauty of being close to you. Remember that you are a gift and not everyone gets to open it. Treasure what you offer.