Uncommon Self Trust
Core teachings
Childhood Wounding and Beliefs
Never 'Losing" at Life- Perspective Shift
Conditioning and Enrollment
Intention
Permission Granted
HEADLINE: Breaking the Cycle of Doubt: Learning to Trust Yourself Again
See if any of this resonates with you?
It was July 9th, Birmingham, Alabama. Heat radiated off the streets in waves. But I felt cold.
My ‘soon to be’ ex-husband, stood, pen perched above the divorce papers, just the two of us in the room alone. He paused long enough to tell me that he never would have divorced me, he loved me.
Gut punch. My confidence melted like a crayon on the steamy sidewalk outside.
All those years, all I wanted to hear was that I was “irreplaceable” to him. And here, now, at the time I most needed to feel I was doing the “right” thing, he offered that to me.
And there I was again, back in that unsure place of wondering – “Is it just me? Is love really possible? Am I the problem?”
I swallowed the fist in my throat, torn between rage, pain and WTF. I kept my tone even and gentle when I asked him why he hadn’t tried to save our marriage?
Why had he never shed a tear over the prospect of losing me or our family? He teared up immediately, “I’ve cried. You just didn’t see it.”
Walking out of the attorney’s office to go our separate ways, he added, without the least bit of drama, “I just didn’t know how to make you happy.” And that girlfriend, was the icing on the cake.
There I stood with the papers in hand, playing the highlight reel of the last 20 years trying to convince myself I’d done the only thing I could do after 8 counselors, dozens of books and too many marriage seminars.
All it took was that one sentence. But it wasn’t up to him to ‘make’ me happy.
So I told myself I would be okay, that our son would be okay.
But I didn’t believe it at the time.
And there it was… the truth - a lifetime of not trusting myself.
Too many childhood wounds, wrong beliefs and patterns I’d created to protect myself; all rolled into one giant mind game that eroded my ability to know what was best for me and my son.
Those nasty little voices that say things like- “You’re just not worthy of love, Kim. No one can love you. You’re ‘too’ difficult.”
Have you said things like that to yourself too?
Did you grow up uncertain of whether you were “too much” or “too little?”
If so, it wounded your ability to hear your inner voice. That voice is the one that allows you to trust yourself.
Here’s an example of how a seemingly benign comment from a parent can create beliefs that aren’t true for you.
When I was 12, we moved out into the country. That’s a story for another time…..
However, one day I went to the store with my step father. It was a 20 minute drive of nothing but fields, pastures and trees. On the ride home, he went a different way I’d never been before.
And, he gave me a pop navigation quiz. I was to tell him where to turn to get back to our farm.
Well, as you can imagine I missed it and for the rest of my life, my nickname was “Prince Henry the Navigator.” I don’t know the history behind the label, just that my step father jokingly proffered his belief that I had no sense of direction. Based on one, in his mind, “failed” attempt.
Fast forward to a 29 year old me, navigating Paris on my own and it dawned on me that he could not be more wrong.
The beliefs we sometimes hold are often not true and not even ones we created ourselves. But they determine how we see ourselves - until - we become curious enough to question them.
I’m sure you have stories too.
So, let me support you here with the key learnings, that turned my life around:
My past does not define me.
No one can control me, destroy me or make me feel anything unless I give them permission to.
Other people’s opinions are just that - their opinions. And they have nothing to do with me.
I can’t control what other people think or how they perceive me, no matter how “nice,” or accomplished I am.
BUT, I can learn to manage the things I tell myself and I get to decide what I believe about me.
And you do too!
When you identify the source of your beliefs, become curious about their validity, it empowers you to get to the truth about your authentic, bodacious, magnificent self!
You are the solution. What’s inside of you right this moment is the answer to your dreams.
In Human Design they call this process de-conditioning the “not self”.
In coaching we work with a concept that we are “source” for the things that come into our lives.
It is explained in one of my favorite quotes:
“I never lose. I either win or I learn.” Nelson Mandela
Shifting the perspective from things happening “to” us; to things happening “for” us is like a shot of rocket fuel. And this month, pun intended, we are shooting for the moon in Self Trust and not even the stars will do.
Building Self Trust enables you to fall down and get back up. And you will fall down. We all do until the moment we stop breathing, which is the human experience.
Self Trust is the safety net and it won’t allow you to be enrolled in any story, other than the one you dream of.
Self Trust allows you to surrender to your humanness and stop fighting everyone around you. You get to trust that you are lovable, not because of what you do, but because of who you are.
Self Trust creates a safe place for your emotions. When the tears run down your face and you just don’t think you can do it anymore, self trust gives you permission to:
Take a nap
Call a friend
Cry
Watch a sad movie
Eat popcorn in bed.
Tell everyone in your house you are on vacation and put a sign on your door that says – GONE until further notice.
Self Trust allows you to release those judgemental fear thoughts that you failed. You haven’t.
And here is a baby step-by-step into flexing your Self Trust muscle.
Make a list of all the amazing things you have ever done – bask in the limelight of those things. You can go as far back as you remember… spend as much time as you want….. this, lovely, this is self care.
When you look at the list of your accomplishments, how do you feel? Spend a few minutes writing your own press release…. This is newsworthy information. Be your own voice. Stand up for you. Write as long as you want and come back to it and add more as you remember it.
Ask your brain to remind you of the things you’ve overcome, your triumphs, your shining moments. Tell your brain you want to remember every single victory from the first time you learned to tie your shoes to the present.
And last, but certainly, not least, celebrate them. Don’t discount, dismiss or minimize your victories. We shift into Self Trust when we trust the evidence of all the incredible things we have done and forgotten about; when we reclaim our uniqueness and stop comparing ourselves to others.
And then play this video on high volume and let yourself dance in your kitchen….