Can Love Really Be Unconditional?
Hey Love!
Sooooo, some time back I did a short little video called “It’s Not About the Garbage.”
You can catch it here: It's Not About the Garbage.
It was in response to a conversation I had with a brilliant, beautiful woman I was in a small business group with. I won’t give away the video, but the premise is simple:
The things we argue about
are not the things that are bothering us.
We don’t fight about the garbage or the kids or money, or sex even. We fight about love. We struggle over that deep, intrinsic need for love. We want to be loved. We want to be accepted. We want to be valued and cherished. We want to feel safe to be ourselves.
The interesting thing is, we aren’t really showing up authentically as ourselves because deep down, there is this nagging question - am I lovable? That’s why all the external things become so important. We need affirmation.
That affirmation may be felt in different ways - which is why Gary Smalley’s Love Language hit such a deep chord. You may feel loved by his physical support. You may feel validated with words of affirmation, gifts, touch or time.
But, what happens when the external validation isn’t coming? It’s what you do or don’t do when you don’t receive these things that tell you the most.
If you are feeling loved, then whether he takes the garbage out, or brings you flowers, or you have fabulous, messy sex on the kitchen counter - isn’t as important.
It’s all great - don’t get me wrong. And yes, we do need to feel that the person we are in an intimate relationship with is willing to show us that love. But underneath the “thing” is really more about how you believe they make you feel.
Which makes the question about unconditional love important.
When we - yes, we, as women - bend ourselves into pretzels, ask over and over again, plead, threaten, get angry, and maybe eventually walk out - it wasn’t about the garbage. What we needed was validation that we were lovable enough for the man in our life to show up for us.
So, how do we create that? How do we ever feel truly loved? How do we love him when we don’t feel loved by him?
If we are waiting to feel worthy of love, angry, tired, sad, afraid maybe, how do we love?
Here is how healthline.com defines Unconditional Love
Unconditional love, simply put, is love without strings attached.
It's love you offer freely. You don't base it on what someone does
for you in return. You simply love them and want nothing
more than their happiness.
Love without strings? Are you kidding? I don’t know about you - I like to believe that I’m a pretty generous person and that I love openly and freely. But - and yes, there is a but… I may not think about what I give at the time I give it. And, at some point, if there isn’t some kind of reciprocity, I definitely notice.
The challenge to unconditional love lies in the intention, with these two important criteria:
Knowing where we stop and “he” begins.
And, most importantly - offering ourselves that kind of love - first.
That is why the work we do in the Unbuttoned Program always begins with us.
If we are not in a place to love ourselves enough to create healthy boundaries, ask for what we need, say no without malice, defensiveness or guilt and only say yes when we really, really mean it - in other words - if we don’t know ourselves well enough to know our limits and love ourselves well enough to respect them, we will always be seeking what we erroneously call love, from another.
And he just can’t give it to us. It’s an intimate journey that we get to explore from a safe place.
The path to loving ourselves and letting go of expectations of the need for others to show or tell us we are worth loving - isn’t always a joy ride. We get to let go of blame and resentment and judging and keeping score.
And, it is the only way to the love you want. Unconditional love may mean that the love you are currently in, isn’t healthy or good for you. It may mean asking what it is you want from someone else, that you aren’t willing to give to yourself.
And, loving others only comes when we are in a place to let go…That takes courage and honesty. But man is it beautiful.
Some days are great.
Some days not so great.
And some days just flat out stink…
But none of those days can impact your worthiness of joyful, passionate, connected, fun love if you have learned to love yourself.
These are steps that VeryWellMind.com offers for how to build Unconditional Love in Relationships:
Practice open communication so that both of your needs can be met.
Communicate in a non-defensive way.
Don't let the little annoyances of life override your love.
Share power in your relationship.
Pay attention to how you express your love.
My invitation is that before you work on your relationship, you begin to apply these guidelines to You.
Practice asking yourself what you want and need.
Look at yourself in the mirror and practice loving yourself rather than criticizing; when you find you are on a doubt-infused self beat-up mind loop, pause. Become curious.
Don’t let setbacks, disappointments or little annoyances override your gifts, talents and the things you do freaking damn well.
Let go of trying to prove yourself to anyone - especially you.
Notice how you express love to yourself - do you take time to rest, play, have fun, laugh… in a way that serves and supports you?
If you are not sure what that looks like in a practical, applicable way - that’s what we do in the Unbuttoned Program.
AND… great news… we are doing a Five Day Challenge that kicks off on Valentine’s Day - cause hey, that’s appropriate, right?
Join us for UNBUTTON YOUR INHIBITIONS and learn how to invite fear to be your BFF; relish the freedom of two simple words.. Yes and no; create loving boundaries; have hard conversations and rock it out with your bad self.
It’s free.
And there will be surprise gifts… just saying.
Become unconditional in your love…
Gros Bisous!