Unbuttoning Your Story - (About Self Care?)

One of the biggest questions I ask clients when they aren’t taking care of themselves is this:


“What about this situation is perfect?”

Most of the time I’m met with a glare. In the middle of the storm, when you’re giving everything you have, but nothing  is working,  perfect is the last thing you to hear.  But I can be pretty pushy, and I’ve found that when self care has gone by the way side, there is always a story. And inside that story there  is always something to discover if we just dig a little.

Often what  we uncover together is the distinction between “I deserve” and “I am worthy.” Some might not see a difference, but bear with me.



You are worthy of all the things you dream of, especially being loved. Deserving on the other hand suggests merit - that you are due something. So when we are saying this, either to ourselves or others what we are really saying is- “I’ve earned this.”



It typically comes at the tail end of a string of thought about sacrifice and failure.



But, we  often aren’t seeing the whole truth. We truly believe we have done everything. We have a story around how much we’ve given and suffered.  And we have. That’s what stories do. They keep us spinning in old patterns, suffering, playing with words to “say it right,” or adding more to our plate to “do it right.”



And, it’s a story.  A story telling us we “have” to do this so that ______ can  love us. We’ve been so conditioned to believe that things would go a certain way if only we played  the game right. So we have. We’ve played hard. But, still, here we are, in the middle of hurricane wondering how we got here.  So, what happened?



Did we just pick the wrong guy, jump in too soon, give away too much of ourselves, what?



Here are a few of the stories that come up often. See if any of them resonate.



Story #1

If I make sure everyone else is “happy” (whatever that means at the moment) then (he/they) will see my sacrifice and reward me in return. This usually involves reading minds and meeting unexpressed needs.

Conditioning under the story - I’m more uncomfortable with others displeasure or pain than my own. Until I’m not. But that takes a while.

Answer- why wait that long?



Story #2

I knew it. I saw the red flags. I can’t trust myself to make good choices.

Conditioning under the story - I have no self trust. If  someone wants me, I  should want them back, right?

Answer- uh, no…



Story #3

I’m afraid that I’m no longer “lovable” because I’ve (gotten older, heavier, needier, have children… etc) and “all the  good men” are taken.

Conditioning under the story - I doubt my value.

Answer- whats to prevent you from starting to build it now?



Story #4

I need to be “nice” (a.k.a. perfect) I don’t want to seem (selfish, self absorbed, inconsiderate, needy, inadequate, unattractive, etc) so I’m going to do it all even if it kills me.

Conditioning  under the story - I  have to  prove myself.

Answer- Hell to the no!



We’ve spent the best years of our lives trying to be something or someone we aren’t



All those painful, ugly, UNTRUE stories……. Keep us going until we burn out or burn up.



It’s taken me 64 years of life and 35+ years in business to know the secret to happiness. It’s that we get to stop ”shoulding” ourselves. These ‘should’  stories are what we create around the concept of love.



And yes, each one of us, in some form, at some point, created ’should’ stories from some experience, some comment, some perception or some disappointment.



But they are just stories. The truth of who you are and your purpose here are so much more beautiful than those stories. (Clue: Click HERE and check out my Human Design app to see how amazing you really are with the truth and self awareness.)



Still,  we’ve been conditioned to defend those stories like they are absolute gospel truth. They aren’t.



It is a conditioning process that we’ve all been raised on. You are not  alone. That’s another story too. As unique, amazing and wonderful as you are, most of our problems are universal. We all want to be loved for who we are. The problem is we rarely show up authentically because of our stories!



What these stories really do is keep us small, hurting, inauthentic (because we are afraid who we really are isn’t lovable,) and disempowered.  Until we get angry enough to convince ourselves we “deserve” more.



So, yeah, maybe we finally leave.  (Pain/fear/self doubt- thanks)  And yes, maybe, if we weather the storm, after a while, we begin to look for something new. 



But sadly, we drag those same old, tired stories with us into the next relationship,  job, career, dream. Until  it becomes a rinse and repeat cycle



This conditioning (our stories) determine our self worth. And self worth is essential to give and receive love.



This conditioning gives uses a lot  of “should” logic (aka false belief BS) to convince us to hide, and keep our armor on.



This conditioning tells us that we are only worthy of love for what we can do for the other person. (performance/drama- more BS)



Our stories kill any possibility of real love because the real us isn’t showing up. So how can we ever trust that we are really loved?



Ironic isn’t it. We spend so much of our life trying to fit into a mold we believe is the only road to love and happiness, wear ourselves out and wonder what happened.



You, your real story, your truth,  happens when you unbutton the conditioning, release all those old stories…  and let them fall to the floor while you stand there, naked, free,  in all your glory - unafraid to be seen.



If that imagery gave you the shudders - good. It’s a wake up  call.



You are not too old, (or too anything else) to get naked and get real.



But you do get to get really honest and  bravely take the next step. You do get  to invest in yourself to see your worth.



That’s all it takes, one step at a time… but you  gotta take it. You’re the only one who can.



When you do, you will understand that “I deserve,” really comes from a deep, wounded place of fear; the fear of not being worthy of love.



Worthiness on the other hand assures  “I am okay.  Whatever happens, I’m okay.” Worthiness excudes calm; you feel abundant, empowered. You become open to what is instead of dreaming only of what could be. From that place, magically, you begin to attract deeper awareness, acceptance, compassion, and yes, love.



When you no longer need to defend yourself, you become open to  giving more love to others as well. It’s a win /win when you show up genuinely as you.



This month we are diving into UnApologetic Self Care in the Unbuttoned Membership.



Self Care sets the path to worthiness.  You can begin this journey to worthiness with us and see what it means to be unapologetic about taking care of you, so that you can take care of the people and things that matter to you. Click Here!



Disclaimer - there may be some strutting involved when you really begin to care for yourself unapologetically; when you see yourself and aren’t afraid to be seen by others.  It’s called joy. And it’s a beautiful thing to behold.