No, I’m not making this up…
“Why is this so hard?” A tearful client posed this question to me recently.
My heart hurt for her and I wanted to encourage her and point out all the “great” strides she had made, but I just listened.
She went on…” It starts off with me feeling so confident and sure and then something goes sideways. I just seem to keep sabotaging myself. I’m so.. (you can fill in the blank here with whatever YOU do when things don’t pan out the way you imagined.)”
She called it Self Sabotage. I call it something else.
I call it, “our mouths writing checks, our body can’t cover.” Others in my profession call it all sorts of things, pleasing, placating, proving our worth. Whatever you choose to call it, “IT” boils down to something so simple, we have a hard time wrapping our mind around it, believing that if we just do more, are more, prove more, we’ll finally be loved.
I’m reading three incredible books at the moment, yes, three, LOL. Informed by Holly Herbig (which although written exclusively for Manifestors, offers wisdom into listening to our body when it’s time to rest), The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist and Gene Keys by Richard Rudd.
And they all have similar messages - the more we strive, for whatever reason, but especially, to fit in, or make more money, the more enslaved we become to wanting “more.”
And that is the root cause of Self Sabotage. Your body is crying in the only way it knows how - please stop. Please evaluate what you’re investing your beautiful self in. Please don’t keep pushing, don’t keep promising, don’t keep making commitments that will come out of your essence. Just stop.
Self Sabotage is a way of numbing out. It isn’t a character defect. It happens when we are not paying attention or honoring who we are and what’s important to us, really important. It happens to all of us in those moments we’ve lost sight of what truly lights us up and gives us joy and fulfillment.
We live so much of our lives on autopilot, letting our minds tell us that in order to be liked, loved, successful, accepted even, we “have to look a certain way,” “talk a certain way,” “BE a certain way.”
And we just can’t be. We were never designed to produce in mass production like a Ford assembly line. We are more like a Mazerati, each piece lovingly hand crafted by one devoted specialist, to finally be brought together as a one of a kind magnificent whole. We were created to be marveled at, loved, appreciated and cared for.
But that can never happen if we aren’t open to seeing ourselves in totatality; the gifts and talents we take for granted, as well as the shadows we work so hard to keep under wraps…
So the next time you feel you are “Self Sabotaging” ask yourself, not why can’t I…… but rather… what is it I am not wanting to see? The answer might be something small, like, I’m working too hard because I’m afraid I’ll lose my job if I don’t.
If so, the next question to ask is - Is this the work I am really here to do?
I know, easy for me to say. But I can promise you, that’s the question I ask myself every time I realize my body is trying to tell me something.
Now, Mel Robbins, whom I adore, does IG lives frequently. One of her messages is, “You will never feel like doing this” And I agree with her. The question isn’t whether you feel like it, the question is why am I choosing to do “this” - whatever the this is.
Are you getting in shape because you really want to? Or are you doing it because you are afraid you won’t fit in if you don’t?
Self Sabotage usually shows up for the latter, not the former. When we are clear on our Why, and accept that every day won’t be sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, we don’t spiral into truly self sabotaging behavior. When we listen to the list of things we say we want, and ask ourselves why we want them, really why we want them, we begin to see why our body is calling us to rest and our mind is calling us a failure.
So, here’s an easy exercise to see clearly how aligned your goals are with the life you want to live and get to your why.
Write down your top five goals
Ask yourself how you will feel when you have them.
What will be different about your life?
Then ask yourself if that difference is worth the price you will pay in time, resources, energy.
If so, is there anything you could do to enlist support, create accountability on those days when it seems hard, or agree ahead of time if you can forgive yourself for having an “off day?”
If you cannot find a way to do any of the three things above - I’m going to invite you to reconsider the goal, and get honest with yourself.
Because if what you want will change your life, and you feel it is worth the cost, but you don’t want support or grace - your body will let you know you are out of alignment with who you say you want to be.
It may look like self sabotage. It may show up in the form of sickness or injury. But one way or another, you will find yourself derailed from that goal you so badly want.
To support you on this journey this month, I’m going to share some external influences to give you a heads up on what’s happening in August that could have a big impact on your plans.
August 4 - New Moon and Gate 33 The Gate of Re-telling - the energy to retell all the old stories of your life in the way you choose.
August 7 - Gate 7 The Gate of Collaboration - the role of self in service and leadership - how does this play out in your relationships - leading, supporting or controlling, avoiding
August 17, The Gate of Devotion - asking us who and what we get to devote ourselves to
August 19 - Gate 30 - The Gate of Passion - recognition of feelings, and the emotional awareness that lies between hope and pain. Passion as a practice in our lives
August 23 - Gate 59 The Gate of Sustainability - learning to make abundant choices that sustain us. Abundance even in memories of past love, the gift of receiving love.
August 29 - Gate 40 The Gate of Restoration - To learn to decipher loneliness correctly - how has it supported decisions that haven’t served you; or caused you to abandon self care (pleasing/placating/unneeded sacrifice to prove your worthiness)
For more information about each of the energetic transits we will all experience in August, check out the full piece here…