Do you and your partner disagree – a lot? This can help.

Today I walked away from a potential argument, just walked away. I didn’t explain, didn’t worry about keeping the peace or make up a BS reason. I just literally walked away.

But I wasn’t angry. I didn’t ruminate about what I wanted to say. I didn’t rehearse a defense. I just choose to do something else.  I choose to initiate non reactivity.

I made a conscious decision to practice being in the energy of what I wanted rather than respond/react to several comments that normally would have been a big trigger for me.

It isn’t unusual for me to retreat in these situations. What was different this time is how I did it. It was my choosing, not responding.

I am learning every day how to be more in line with who I am and who I am here to be, instead of who I’ve been conditioned to be all my life.  It was surprisingly easy when I brought awareness to it.

Manifestor strategy is to inform anyone who will be impacted by our actions. I’ve been practicing this since I dove into Human Design several years ago. But I read a book recently by Holly Herbig, “Informed” that took me into greater awareness of what informing means.

As a Manifestor, she points out that we are always the ones initiating, yes, always. Any energy in a relationship begins with us. 

It was a challenging thing to read. Although it goes hand in hand with what I learned in 2009 when I first became a coach and was even more ingrained by a Leadership program I participated in, and then staffed a few years ago. While those teachings supported me in a huge way, being a Manifestor and being told what I “had” to do didn’t go down well.  I tried to force myself into compliance, but found I was often angry when someone else’s perception of who I was being was called into question.

Don’t misunderstand, I live by and use all the principles I teach and coach. But the linear way we are taught to default to our brain/logic, be consistent and create daily routines, weren’t effective with me the way I’ve watched them support my clients, the majority of whom are Generators or Mani Gens.

Generators are born to respond, to be more systematic. That is how  the world gets built.  Gens and Mani Gens have consistent, high energy. Manifestors do not. I am designed – and I don’t say this with ego, but humble resignation – to lead, to initiate, to go first; not to respond. I live in creative bursts, and then need rest.  I was not designed to finish things, or practice in the way Generators and Mani Gens do. I stir things up,  hand off and then rest. 

My husband is a Mani Gen. But the roles in our relationship have him operating more like the Manifestor and me in constant response mode. It is both energetically draining and often creates unnecessary conflict.

So why do I do this? Because it is a familiar pattern for me. I’ve been conditioned to respond all my life. It is what my brain knows. Leaning into the wisdom of my body, listening to the quiet voice of my intuition without feeling the need to explain or defend is no small feat when you’ve spent 60 years living another way.  

Learning why it is imperative that I understand how my energy works – whether I am conscious of it or not – however, supported me to finally get it. It “informed” me. And that is what Manifestors thrive on, not just informing others to clear a path, but being informed as well. Otherwise, we are operating like conditioned Generators, which doesn’t work for anyone.

My husband was braced for conflict when I walked out, expecting the old me. When he walked into the room where I was, I said, “Hi love,” with sincerity. Initially he was on guard, for good reason. That used to be my modus operandi for introducing “the talk” which was just justification for what he had done to create my disappearance. 

So, maybe he was braced for what he calls “the lecture,” or perhaps he was just angry that I had walked away.  I don’t know because I’m not a psychic. I can’t read his mind. As much as we want to believe we can predict what our partner is thinking, and we are convinced he did or said whatever he did or said TO us, it just isn’t the truth. We never know what another person is thinking or feeling unless they are able and willing to share that with us. Most of the time we are not even conscious of our own desires, motivations, feelings or thoughts, unless we’ve been practicing awareness.

When we can accept that we all see the world through our own personal lens, and we really embrace what that means, then we stop making up stories that hurt us. This is what I did.

Before Human Design, I would have participated in an old dance. Christian had gone into his emotional wave. And because he is just now becoming open to the impact of it, but not quite ready to address it, he does what we all do, take frustrations out on those that are the closest to us.

It isn’t personal. It comes from conditioning/wounding and not being self aware. In the past, it would have turned into a row for sure, simply because I didn’t understand my role/energy/purpose as a Manifestor. And I certainly didn’t understand his Emotional energy wave. So, I would have made it personal. I. would have tried to figure out why he was suddenly being snarky and would have become defensive and tried to make him wrong.

Cause hey, let’s be honest girls, when we feel “attacked” we want to let the other person know just how “bad” they’ve treated us.  

I guess you could say that is the “down side,” to self awareness. Once you begin understanding  how much power you  have  over how you feel, you get to choose (or not) to step into responsibility for who you are and how you are showing up. Even if the other person isn’t. 

It becomes a choice. Rather than take what is said to us to heart and allow it impact us negatively, or hurt us, we get to step into the light. It takes courage and confidence.

And this is how HD has changed my life and my relationships – knowing what I know about myself now, and about my husband, not only gives me the confidence to be who I am, it also gives me the grace and courage to act on it.

I’ve always known/taught/coached that relationships are mirrors. What I’ve learned is that as a Manifestor, I am the one initiating the energy in all my relationships, consciously or unconsciously. So, if I don’t like the reflection, I get to change it.

That doesn’t make me responsible for how he reacts to me, or even what he feels. That’s an old story too. And, still, if I can see that I am responding to him in a way that gets the ball rolling downhill, fast, I am the one doing the work. I get to choose how I want to feel. I can either step back in Manifestor energy, understanding who I am and how my energy impacts, or I can respond like a Generator. And I know how that later response will play out, just saying.

I get to own the power I have of always being the energetic initiator, or continue in old conditioning that doesn't serve either of us.  

Take a deep breath. And let me share right here and now, it takes commitment and practice to learn new things.

BUT… you get to commit and practice in a way that works best for you. And here’s why you want to do that.

Christian can’t control how I feel unless I let him.  He’s not the one in my head, the gremlin voice of false “righteousness.”  While a huge part of my chart is about me being here for the collective, correcting patterns that aren’t working anymore, and being the leader in all my relationships, Christian and I have several compromise channels that aren’t in alignment with who I am. So, just like I tell my clients – I  get to choose. We always get to choose.

And that is what we are diving into this month – the gift of choice, we get to choose US; to choose self confidence over old patterns of wounding and conditioning. 

I want you to experience the freedom and empowerment that comes with seeing how much easier it is to connect authentically when you are moving in the most natural energetic state – for you.

This is for life. It isn’t one and done. But once you see it,  you can’t unring the bell. What you will do is live more joyfully, with more ease and a ton more confidence.

So hold on, because July is unfolding to support you to build Self Confidence and practice self compassion - check it out... we kick  off with Gate 39, known officially as the Gate of Obstruction/ The Provocateur; known by others as the Gate of Recalibration, The Sacred Provocateur, The Shifter, The Gate of Provocation, just to name a few. To learn more about how to navigate these energetics for your Human Design type, read my latest insights for July here.

But that’s just  the beginning, the ride gets even more interesting as we move into the Gate of Beginnings,  The Gate of Influence and the Gate of Retreat.  So, if you are wondering just how you begin, run your  free chart here

I  have a lot of things in the works, shifts, changes, so if you want to know  more,  reach out to me via email and share what you most  want to see happen before the leaves begin falling from the trees.

Because - It’s just a choice – always.

With Love  and  Bisous! 

Kim