No tricks, just treats this month.
Funny how we can let things go and keep gliding on until that one thing happens. And with all the elegance in the world, we just say… eff it. It doesn’t need to be a big thing. As a matter of fact, it usually isn’t.
So there I was, getting ready for a two-week vacation, with no internet and, despite everything I tried to share about that not working for me, being ignored. It was that moment.
Time away in the Pyrenees mountains, in a quaint little village that stepped out of a Disney movie, sounded wonderful. Being told I was going, when I was going, and that I would not have internet access for two weeks, wasn’t.
It wasn’t the lack of internet. It was the lack of choice. It was being ignored. Feeling minimized and unheard. So I said no. No to the whole vacation. And the fury that was unleashed told me everything. For the first time in 10 years, I didn’t worry about his feelings, his disappointment, his anger, his wants. I worried about mine.
Tricks—those are the things that keep us frozen in fear. The ghouls that hang out in our mind telling us we can’t, or we shouldn’t, or something bad will happen. Believing that if we just go along and play our cards right, life will hand us what we want without effort, pain or disappointment.
Saying no was hard. Taking a stand that was called “dramatic and unreasonable” meant living through the backlash – the cycle of anger, then kindness that hid manipulation, then anger again, followed by indifference that led to just being ignored.
I thought about that moment from my past just last week. I was at the beach with my sisters—powder-white sand, clear blue water and peace. I thought about it when not one, but two dragonflies perched on my toe and hung out for 15 minutes each. I thought about it the next day when another dragonfly landed on my shoulder and hung out for over 30 minutes while I sat in the water, buoyed by waves, and walked back and forth to the beach looking for shells.
I thought about it because dragonflies symbolize transformation, rebirth and the gaining of wisdom.
I said no to that vacation because I knew if I said yes, I would keep going. I would keep drowning in a hope that wasn’t mine to hope.
I get that now. Understanding more about how I am intrinsically wired let me release self-judgment. Human Design gave me that language. Nature and nurture. Who we are energetically and what we’ve learned, believed, lived through and created patterns to protect.
One of the strongest themes in my design is possibility. I see my clients in the first 10 minutes of a call. I see who she is underneath the self-doubt, pain or confusion.
It’s a gift. Until it isn’t.
Seeing possibility, I’ve learned the hard way, can also keep hope alive longer than reality, or the desire of someone else, supports.
Another strong theme in my design is discernment. Except the patterning in my life—conditioning—has taught me to doubt my own discernment.
And there is an enormous difference between What is possible? and What is true right now?
What happens when the way you’re naturally wired meets relationship conditioning? Your Relationship Signature helps you see the patterns you may not recognize while you’re living them. → Discover Your Relationship Signature
That vacation brought those two parts of me crashing into one another.
The Pyrenees are beautiful. The little village is magical. I loved our last trip there. I wanted to go. I also wanted the respect and freedom of being consulted. I wanted the ability to choose.
Progress. Another biggie for me. I am driven to work. Too much downtime and I am antsy. I naturally invest my energy in potential, especially the potential to create meaning. Meaning is defined in my chart; it’s my spiritual purpose—discovering what is genuinely worth fighting for.
My personal mantra, way before discovering HD—go deep or go home. I used to shame myself for that. I used to believe it was a problem in relationships. That I was too much. I believed it because I was told that. I was once told that I just liked to be sad.
No, I choose to feel. Sadness, anger, indignation, defensiveness. Those are all just feelings. Just information. The highs we run after don’t come if we avoid the lows. Discerning what is mine to feel and discarding labels I’ve been given—that is the work.
Maybe you are the woman who sees the best in people too. The woman who can see where something could go if only both people involved would do the work. The woman who doesn’t walk away easily because commitment matters to you. The woman who keeps thinking there must be another conversation, another approach, another chance to make it better.
Those qualities may be some of the things you love most about yourself.
They can also create patterns you cannot see while you’re inside them.
What if your relationship patterns aren’t coming from what’s wrong with you—but from qualities you don’t fully understand yet?
That’s why I created “Your Relationship Signature.” It shows you the patterns you naturally bring into relationships. → Discover yours for $37
For me, possibility, intimacy, vulnerability, meaning and the drive to improve can become a powerful combination. I can see what could be. I can deeply love. I can remain vulnerable. I can believe something is worth fighting for. And when it isn’t working, I can look for what needs to change.
Including myself.
And when I looked back over my history, my old pattern had been to ask…
Maybe I need to communicate differently. Maybe I need to be more understanding. Maybe I shouldn’t make such a big deal about this. Maybe I need to give it more time.
Maybe I can fix it.
Until that day, when something in me simply said: No.
Not an angry no—a no filled with the question.
Is this really what I want?
That’s what I learned watching those dragonflies hold on so intently in the gusty sea breeze. The transformation wasn’t becoming someone else. That was another trick my mind, the enemy, society might whisper. It didn’t make it true.
The transformation was grace and acceptance.
What if transformation isn’t always reinventing yourself when things “aren’t working” the way you imagined they would, or should?
What if the hard part was believing you didn’t get it wrong?
What if it is as simple as recognizing a pattern that grew from qualities you value in yourself?
What if the woman who emerges isn’t new at all?
I want to live unrestricted, blissful and confident.
That is the woman who said No.
It was still hard. We can confuse speaking our truth for a guarantee of acceptance. As if finally having the courage to say what we need means we’ll get it. Being brave enough to ask isn’t always the hardest part.
What if transformation didn’t require you to become anyone different at all?
What if it simply meant being true to the woman you already are?
And what if it was the hardest thing you’ve ever done?
Would you do it?
The “trick” is believing you need to change who you are. The “treat” is understanding the patterns you haven’t been able to see – Until now. Your Relationship Signature is a personalized look at how you’re naturally designed to show up in relationships. →